Milad: "My most beautiful memory? The family. We were always together. I have a father, a mother and one sister and a brother in law. We were always together. It's a beautiful image of my memory. When my sister got married, she was seperated from us and went to her house. She got married four years ago. But always, every two or three days, they came to my fathers house and we spent a lot of time together. It was a small apartment, about 70qm², with three rooms a hall and two bedrooms. In Iran, it's our culture, when you have a family, you don't go and live along. It's a rule of family in Iran. And because of that, many children stay with their father and mother. And when they get married, they seperate Not all of them, but many of them.

When I finished High School, I started working and studying at university. All my day was busy with this procedure. I was working or studying till 7 o'clock in the evening and when I came back the rest of my day I spent with my family.

My father worked as a navy but my mother was a housewive.
First he worked on a ship, he studied as an electro mechanic. It was about the electricity of the warship. After that.. you know, in the military service, every year you get a new rank. There is a department in the navy called „university to the navy“ and make a new solution for the navy. They started a new project. My father worked in this places and had a connection between university and the navy. It was a short time, near four months.

What was the problem? I told you, my father was a navy. He went to navy in the duration of Shah, not in this Islamic Republic. And my father was always against with the Islamic Republic.

In duration of my life I was interested in politics, my father was speaking about that. Because of that, I started reading about politcs, I started to... not serious work.. Some part was speaking about what we should do for our country, or what we can change about our country, or give a vote, push politic people to our way. You know about what happened in Iran five years ago? About the revolution... Until that time, we started speaking, went to every groups and say what we think. But after that time, when me and my friends saw, it's not possible to go the correct way, we changed our way. You know sometimes... for example: you know about politics but I don't know about politics. In this situation, when I want to go to say to this people, it's better to stay in another country, I'm the dangerous person, because I don't know the politic. So, when you know about the politic, you must give me information, you must make my brain for politics.

Me and my friends started to make like that. We tried to make a webpage and invite people to our webpage and started speaking, what is the politic. Unfortunately Islamic Republic Iran, the government doesn't let people understand about politics, because when they want to do something, the people understand what happens and they can't. Because of that, in University most students mustn't know about politics, what is that and what ist that. But the Islamic Republic cut all the way, saying „No, nobody need to understand what is politics and you don't need that.“. There is a special group in our country. They decide which people are good to come and sit in presidents chairs. You can not select the best person. They say, okay, there are three persons, come and select one of them. And they say, that's democracy. But this is not democratic. We tried to make something light for people and two years ago, before I came here, they understand from which situation we connect to the internet and that we write something on that webpage. And after that, there was some problems and I tried to escape.

If the people want, yes there is a way. But sometimes, some of the people don't want to, because they don't understand what happened in that country. A better way to sit people in their chairs, make them busy with other things. In Iran the other thing is Islam. It's about the religion. Make people busy with religion and I can tell you, most of them are worried about when the Islamic Republic change, they can't live as a Muslim. They are worried about that. And sometimes in politics money speaks. And there are many people, who take a lot of money in this situation. And they don't want people to change it. This is the problem.

At the first, there was the family, my family in Iran. After that I tried to go to politics. It was the biggest. There were many things, but they were small. My life is... I have a small apartment with the family, a woman and one or two children. I want a small job, not a big one, so I can have more time with my family, not with my job. Sometimes we go to other countries, not a lot.

It's my image of my life.

Here after two years, I'm confused, I can't find my way, I don't know... In Iran I lived near 25 years and I make my life there. But here, now, I started to make it again, like 25 years again. I don't know which future waits for me. And I don't know, can I make it like there or no? In Iran I have many chances, because I made it. But here, I don't make anything and I don't know if I have the chance to do it or no. Now I have to start again. For example in Iran I have my job, I have my studying. But here the government says no, our studies, we don't believe that. And you must again study, you must again work. I can't find a workplace like before that I like. Now I am 28 years and it's a little bit hard to again study in my profession.

When I found people to help me to go out from Iran, they don't say we go to our country. They said, you just have one chance and it's Canada. I understand why he told me Canada. Because it's far away and he can take good money for that. When he told me to come here in Germany, he leaves me. It was a very bad situation that time. A bad thing happened to me, there is a problem in Iran, I came here, this people leave me here and don't reach me an other country. Okay I know a little bit english, but I don't know german. What should I do here? There were many problems first. I tried to find this person again to help me to go there. But I can't find it. First I was in Hamburg. I have an uncle here, but we don't have any good connection together. When I see, I don't have any chance, I made a call with him. There is a special company here, it's an iranian group, a politic iranian group. My uncle told me ok, here is their telephone number and they can help you. I said ok. I made a call with them and they told me, it's better to stay here, you go to the police. It's the better way if you stay here. If you can't go back to your country and you can't go to Canada, what should you do? You have to stay here. I said okay.

This group gave me the telephone number of a lawyer. I called the lawyer and he told me, come to me. I went to the lawyer. He gave me a paper to give to the police. And he told me it's better... You know, there is no special group for asyl-people in their cities. For example: When I introduced myself to the Sozialamt in Bremen, they said I have to go to Berlin. When I came to Berlin, I introduced myself here, but they said no, you have to go to Munich. My lawyer said, in this time, it's better you go to the east. Introduce yourself in the east, to send you to the west. I want to be near to my lawyer. […] Now I'm here. To far away for me to go every month to my lawyer and come back. It's a little bit hard. I told him okay. He said „I think it's better to go to Berlin, your uncle is there. Ok, you have a problem with your uncle but he can help you. There is something here. There is a problem, but it's your family.“. I said, ok, I came here, introduced myself to Sozialamt. But Sozialamt said no, you stay here. And yes, I'm here and my lawyer is in Berlin. But I can tell you about my family... I don't like to say that, but after two years I don't have any call from my uncle. My uncle is in Berlin. In our family there is a problem between him and my father. They chose this way, I can't change it.

I don't have any passport or any ID card. First I came here with my passport. This person took my passport and said I will give you another passport, wait here. He went and didn't come back. And now I don't have anything to stay here, to show who I am. I have an Iranian card for military service, it was with me. I went to the police, they said, give me your ID card. I gave them this one, but the police said „What is that?“. I spent two years in military service. In a bad situation like this to take this one - „What is that“, they said. It was really bad, I lived in the U-Bahn for two days. It was really really bad. If I knew I have to stay here at the first time, I would have gone to the police. But at that time, I was confused, what should I do. I don't know what to do. I should sleep in the streets for three days. And after that, it goes well, step by step.

People in the street helped me to find my way, for example for this Heim, I have a paper saying „Staakener Straße 79“. When I came here, I didn't see the number of this house. I went to the end of this street. At the time, it was about 4 o'clock. There were no people on the way. Fortunately, at the end of this street about 500 meters, a person came this way. I asked him, where is this adress? And he helped me.

The first time in this Heim was really perfekt. Why? It's not the first Heim I came. I introduced myself to the Sozialamt and LaGeSo on friday. On friday Sozialamt was closed and sent me to the police. The police said, you have to go to Montardstraße. I lived there for three days and it was really bad. I couldn't go out from my room these three days. I stayed in my room. I was shocked: what is here? It is a house for people to live? It was so dirty. It's better I don't speak about that. On monday I went to LaGeSo again and they sent me here. And when I came here, it was really beautiful. It was very clean. I was suprised, thanks God, ihere is clean. It's really good. Yeah, after two years, it goes a little bit down. But the first time it was really good and i can tell you, after one week, I could sleep like a human in this Heim. It was really good.

There are many times I lost my life. I was depressed. There are many times I got up. There are many times we are happy or we were sad. I never forget these two years. In two years I can not make friends. It's not important about the girl or about the boy. This is really hard. The people who live in this situation, all of them feel bad and are not happy. So you have not a chance in this situation to make a friend. In the street it's the same again. People, I don't know why, they are worried about the people who come in this situation. You are Asyl and are new tin these places. And it makes it really hard to make a connection with the people. I always go to the sociality but never have a chance to find a friend.

It's really hard to imagine. It is really hard to imagine, but.. Always there is black content in your eyes. It's a problem. I try to make it, but.. In Iran, I was sure I can make it. But here I'm not sure. I don't know what happens. But I hope it happens.

To recover? I need... It's a little bit hard to answer. You know, the government in Germany... I think they really help the people to make it. But sometimes you can't change something. The government helps these people. They give them places, give them the money... For example make a situation to people come here to help people...But in life there is something, the people can not change it. Do you understand what I'm going to say? [...]

It's my life. I'm always thinking: tomorrow when I wake up, I have to make a plan for my life. I try to make it, because I don't see tomorrow. I see the ten days later. But sometimes when you wake up, you try to make it, but there are many stones in your way and make you stop. Because of that sometimes you really feel depressed and you really feel... I don't want to say that but you don't want to live. Because you have a good life and something is damaged and you don't see the rest of your life. That is a really bad feeling, a really bad feeling. It's not about me, for example all the people who live here.. Sometimes we try to make ourselves happy but we can not make it. Because for example I sit here, I'm smiling. But behind this smiling, I'm not happy.

[...] I know there are many problems with the people who come here, because the government doesn't want this people to come. [...] The government doesn't let them study, doesn't let them work. So how can make these people a connection to the people in the society? This is a real problem. If you don't give them an acceptance to working oder studying, make this process smaller. Hameed came from Afghanistan. He came two months after me. He's 20 months in Berlin but he didn't do the first interview. Or my friend Hossam. After two years, people can't work, can't study, but have to sit in this room. You don't have a permission to work, so you don't have money. Okay, the government pays money to you, but it's just for eating and you can not make a good time for yourself. That's a really bad problem. So you have to sit here, see the wall, sit behind the windows, look out and just all of that. It's good, that Berlin is big. You can spend your time out of here. But I don't speak of Berlin but of all countries, all of the cities. For example I have an iranian friend. I saw him here but he lives in Niedersachsen, I forgot the cities name. It's a very small city with nearly 3.000 people and there is anything for this man. He lives there for two years without any acception for working or any acception for studying. Sometime I make a call with him and speak to change his feeling... You see, this is a really big problem. The procedure is to long and I think it's better to make it smaller for the people. If you don't want to say okay, than say no at the first time. Don't sit people in this situation, because this situation is not good. They are human living here. If you want to say okay, why don't you say it the first time?"

Während wir schweigen, fragt Milad uns plötzlich, „warum esst ihr nicht?“.

Wir nehmenen uns je einen Apfel. Auf dem Fenstersims sitzt eine grosse Stoffschildkröte.

 _{Das Gespräch mit Milad wurde am 6.3.2015 geführt und von Safaa Moussa transkribiert}